First Kill
by MasquedAngel
Summary: Armin can't get that moment out of his head. He just can't stop thinking about the moment he pulled that trigger. He killed without hesitation. It haunts him, even in his sleep. Who better to calm him down than the person he saved? Jearmin. Spoilers for chapter 59.


What can I say? I was inspired by chapter 59. Obviously, I don't own SNK.

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It took ages for Armin to fall asleep because he couldn't stop himself from thinking about the shootout. Everything about that day terrified him. Living on the edge of death, knowing it could come at any second, was horrifying. In his mind, he had deduced that titans were monsters. They killed without hesitation… _just like he had._ He had already prepared himself that there was a very real possibility that he would get eaten, and that would be it.

He never even thought of hurting other human beings, despite how he was tormented all the time as a child. Back then, he assumed they just didn't understand him. Now everything was shot to hell. People who worked for the king had killed countless people under the false proclamation of peace keeping, and they were ready to kill him along with his friends.

That image had been burned into his mind. He cursed his photographic memory right now. He never wanted to see that again. He thought that when he fell asleep, he'd relax.

Instead, it made it worse.

…

He steered the horses, all the while trying not to scream. He never before understood the expression, "in a hail of bullets" until then. The pounding in his chest was starting to ache. It was then that he decided to check up on Jean, only to see him staring into the barrel of a gun. Within seconds, Armin pulled out his gun and aimed.

He saw her eyes this time, while everything happened in slow motion. The look that filled those eyes was a look of pure terror. Then, as the bullet got closer to its mark, that look changed to one that was telling him he was a murderer.

Then the bullet collided, sending her backwards and her blood everywhere. In the dream, he was covered in it. No matter how hard he tried, it wouldn't go away. He dived into a river, but still came up bloody as ever.

Blood never used to bother him. He'd seen his own blood countless times and didn't ever think twice about it. Now, though, it felt atrocious. It clung to his skin like a scar, painfully reminding him of what he did. Aside the river, he collapsed in a fit of sobs. "I'm sorry," he said, pounding his fists to the ground.

"Look at what you've become, Armin," a familiar voice said. "And I thought I was the monster."

Eren.

"How could you kill another human being?"

Stop. Armin wanted him to stop, but he couldn't say anything. He couldn't stop the sobs and painful wails, or even get a single word in.

"I killed perverts who were scum. You killed someone who was doing their job."

With every word, he felt like someone was lighting him on fire. The burn was sinking deep into bones, and it felt _awful_. As he struggled to stop crying, his shaking hands found their way to his gun. He just wanted Eren to stop.

Without thinking through his actions, he aimed it at Eren. "What? Are you going to shoot me, too?" With tears still streaming down his face, he didn't lower the gun. "You really are a murderer." Armin's nimble finger pulled the trigger, and once again, he was soaked in blood.

…

Armin sat up drenched not with blood, but cold sweat. His hair clung to the skin of his forehead and neck. He stared at his hands as if he could still see the blood that he envisioned in his dream. His heart was pounding and his breathing was labored.

Could he really be capable of doing something like that?

He was horrified. Without thinking, he stood up, ignoring his dizziness, and ran outside without putting on his boots. When he made it at least thirty feet from their makeshift hideout, he lost it. He fell to the cold ground. Tears started rolling down his face endlessly, and he started crying as hard as he had in his awful nightmare.

"I'm a monster," he murmured into his hands. "I don't deserve to live."

"That's not true." Armin jumped up at the new voice, shaking as he saw who it was.

"J-jean," he said, not daring to look him. "You should go back to bed." He buried his head into his hands again, trying not to sob, but right now, he couldn't control himself. Armin jumped when a gentle hand tugged at his wrist.

"I'm not going to go back to bed until I know you're okay."

Armin, still trying to hide his face as if that would make everything better, allowed Jean to take his hand and he chanced a look at his face. "I'm not worth it," he muttered, looking back down to the ground.

"You are worth it, Armin," Jean said, his voice very serious but there wasn't even a hint of suppressed hatred or anger. It was genuine and gentle. "I would have died if you hadn't shot her for me. I'm sorry you're the one baring my burden. I should have been the one to shoot her."

"It doesn't matter," Armin replied, his eyes already red and puffy. "I shot her without thinking, Jean. What does that make me?"

"Not a monster. It makes you smarter. If you had hesitated, even for one second, we both would have died. You acted on instinct to protect me. I… I want to say thank you. I was too weak to pull the trigger."

Armin froze. "What are you saying?" he asked, completely in denial.

"I'm saying you were strong enough to do what I couldn't do, Armin," Jean said, tilting the blonde's chin up to look him in the eyes. "You're my hero."

Tears welled up in his blue eyes once more, this time not out of horror, but of surprise. Nobody had said anything like that to him before. He didn't know whether or not he deserved it, despite what Jean said, but he couldn't help but feel a little better. Still, he was incapable of responding because he couldn't stop crying.

"Oh, come on. That one should have made you happy," Jean said, pulling the boy in close, so they were embracing. "I didn't want to upset you again."

Armin didn't know what to do. He couldn't express himself properly through his confusion and turmoil. What he did was _wrong_, and nobody should give him praise for it.

"Listen to me," Jean said, serious again. "You once said something like this, 'Someone who can't sacrifice anything can't ever change anything. To defeat a monster, you have to be willing to throw away your humanity.' Back then, I didn't really understand it. Now, I do. You threw away your humanity to defeat a monster. You changed the outcome. Think of what would have happened if she lived. I would have died. She could have shot you. Mikasa would have been torn apart if you died. Levi would have lost his best tactician and two able bodies. Eren would have lost you, his best friend, and you're the only one who can ever make him see sense. You're way more important than you realize," Jean finished, glad to see that the blonde was registering his words. "And if you still feel like a monster, then take a good look at all the people you saved by your plan to reclaim Trost. The good in you is incredibly strong, Armin."

The blonde boy couldn't shake the feeling of hopelessness, but he could see that Jean was making a point. He still felt awful, but now, logic was working its way back into his mind. Perhaps it really had been the dream that made him lose it like this, but maybe he needed to hear those words.

"Thank you, Jean," Armin said quietly, burying his face into the older teen's chest before he realized what he was doing. Instantly, he pulled away. "S-sorry."

"Don't be," he said, wrapping his arms around the smaller teen. "I'm here for you, remember?"

Shakily, Armin returned the embrace. He wondered when he began to feel things for Jean, but couldn't find any particular moment in time when it began. If he hadn't been so emotionally distraught earlier, he would have felt like his dream came true.

When they pulled away, Armin slumped down next to Jean, resting his head against his shoulder. "I… had a nightmare," he said, wanting to get it off his chest. "That's what really upset me."

"Was it the girl?" Jean asked, wrapping an arm around the blonde's waist.

"It started out that way, yes, but after that, I was trying to wash off the blood, and I couldn't. I started crying in the dream, and then… Eren was there. He started saying all kinds of things that upset me and made it worse. I was so out of control that I…"

"That you what?" Jean asked, worry for the boy's well-being surfacing.

"I shot him." A pause filled the tense night air, and Armin wondered if he scared Jean off.

"Well, I can't say that I haven't dreamed about shooting Jaeger… but he wouldn't die from it. Your dream was nothing but a horrible nightmare," he replied lightheartedly. Armin didn't smile or really even look like those words had an impact. Jean was being pushed really hard to make him feel better.

"Jean," Armin whispered. "Thank you for listening to me."

"Anytime," the taller teen replied. He adjusted so he could look into Armin's crystal blue eyes. Their faces were inches apart, so close that they could feel each other's breaths on their face. Jean leaned in and brushed their lips. He was about to pull back and gauge the blonde's reaction when Armin pressed their lips together once more. Both were breathless when they pulled away from each other. "Come on," Jean said, pulling Armin up to stand with him. "We should get some sleep."

"You're right," Armin replied, lacing their fingers together before following him back inside.

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I plan on posting more SNK stuff soon, for those who are interested. This plot bunny just couldn't leave me alone!


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